To solve advertising's real climate crisis we must fire all the activists

Oil and gas interests have shown up in full force, and we’re very concerned with the biggest question of our time.

How will climate activists affect our bottom line?

I’m Jamie Kolkot, and I run a little agency called Atmospheric.

What makes us different is our relationship with fossil fuel clients. While other agencies prefer to hide their involvement, we’re proud of it.

We believe in the fundamental right of every business to grow profits every single year until infinity.

Profit first, planet later.

And we’re challenging other agencies to be more like us.

Last week, we delivered a box of oil-themed cupcakes to McCann, inviting it to be more open about its pitch for Aramco, the world’s biggest oil company. We were so happy for the agency.

And as a Drum-exclusive, I’d like to announce a new initiative to further this same goal.

By 2030, we have decided to make our workplace Climate Activist Free™.

Employees who continually moan about the “climate crisis” simply do not align with our values of making as much money as possible.

They only slow our progress towards a warmer, more profitable future.

So let’s get rid of them.

Of course, you might ask, “Why wait until 2030? Why not fire them all now?”

By allowing time for a just transition, we can make sure we have reasonable grounds for dismissal and pay fewer settlements to employees.

It also allows more employees to quit pre-emptively, further avoiding costs.

If you run an agency, you can join the pledge here.

If COP28 has taught us one thing it’s that when the fossil fuel industry works together, we can block change on every level.

We can be the change we want to prevent in the world.

Let’s fire people, sell some oil, and Keep The Fire Burning™

Jamie Kolkot is the fictional CEO of Atmospheric, an unreal agency created by Glimpse, Oli Frost, and Utopia Bureau. We profiled the agency earlier this year.