Victor Brierley: Water load of bollocks
Springing a leak
Admittedly, the main city evening rag The Evening Standard is mainly behind this crusade (their restaurant reviews give points for places that serve tap water instead of it) but everyone of a ‘right-on’ nature is getting behind a guerrilla campaign to rid the world from the curse of bottled water.
Women who roll their own tampons and men in leather-free shoes, they’re calling for the heads of Monsieur Perrier (if he’s still about) and his Italian cousin, Signor Pellegrino.
Closer to home, their actions will result in markedly less ‘spring’ in Highland’s step.
Now, I’d have reckoned that bottled water, surely to God, it’s a good thing. No sugar, (so my wee boy’s gnashers won’t end up like mine) no fat (to fuel our increasingly ‘lardass’ society) only traces of salt (art for arteries sake). Ferchrisakkes, it’s GREAT for you!
Heinous crime
You’d think that fizzy water ticked all the ‘health and safety’ boxes in this increasingly mad and over-regulated society.
Well, according to the London ladies what lunch, the answer is ‘No’. Drinking it is a heinous crime.
We have it and others don’t. It might pour down on us in ever-increasing amounts, but that doesn’t mean it’s right! Plastic bottles, chillers, giving consumers a choice... bloody ridiculous! So, now you know. ‘Tap’ is terrific, ‘bottled’ is bollocks.
So, if this backlash results in drastically reduced revenues for a number of ‘eau’ companies, what about other FMCG’s which in the glorious past (like last week) seemed to have been good but are actually downright bloody evil. How might they suffer?
Carrots? They can’t grow them in the Sudan any more, so I’m advocating a complete blanket ban, starting by placarding Tesco.
Yes, carrots helped us win the Battle of Britain by allowing Spitfire pilots to see in the dark but so what?
I want to see an end to Bugs Bunny and his smug, mono-vegetarian posturing. Carrots? What’s wrong with simple, unfussy potatoes, or witchety grubs, just like native Australians (they used to be called Aborigines, but I don’t know if that’s allowed any more) have to enjoy?
If it’s good enough for them, then it’s good enough for our pampered populous.
And what about toothpaste? So what if it’s wiping-out our appalling dental caries problem? It’s evil, chemical filth that we don’t really need. Let’s ban it now and get back to traditional dental decency. A pointy stick with a hessian pad tied to it and some sea salt rubbed on it. Just like the Romans used. It didn’t do them any harm.
So, that’s the plight of stuff that’s good for you, what about the products that aren’t proven to help our younger generation of people? Sugar? Beer? Agent Provocateur pants?
If I was Tony the Tiger, The Hofmeister Bear (remember him?) or even if I quite liked my arse covered in expensive silk, instead of sackcloth, I’d be running scared. Running very scared.