A Christmas Advertising Poem by Creature’s Dan Cullen-Shute
The Drum columnist, Creature’s Dan Cullen-Shute, has written a Christmas advertising poem... for better or worse.
Creature’s Dan Cullen-Shute tries his hand at some festive poetry
It’s the run-up to Christmas 2021.
A hell of a year for all, but the Christmas work was done.
Ads all on-air, the last promo played out.
Time to relax: to laugh, sing and work bonuses out.
But wait! What is this coming over the hill?
Surely not more festive tasks to fulfil?
For lo! Here he comes! That daft prick from Creature.
With some ham-fisted lessons on Christmas present to teach you.
Christmas last year was a pretty poor show,
The clanging chimes of Covid left us all with nowhere to go.
The turkeys were canceled, Santa got the sack.
So what are we getting, now Christmas is back?
And I’m not talking presents, or turkey, or cheese.
I’m not talking about the stuff under the trees.
No: here’s what really matters, to mums and to dads;
Let’s get to the good shit. Let’s talk about ads.
We’ve waited for ages – a common refrain
And with the year that we’d had? Come on. Don’t complain.
Saino’s and Tesco’s are all about hating
That shit that we went through – enough with the waiting.
In a year where it was tough to recruit,
Aldi fired the carrot, and hired a fruit.
Except – no they didn’t! They tricked us, the swines.
And showed us the best thing for Christmas... is rhymes.
Coca-Cola got slammed by the grinchy Mark Ritson,
For delivering happiness straight to an old lady’s kitchen.
I’m a big fan of Ritson, but it remains to be seen,
Whether Santa will bring presents for someone so mean.
(Honestly, mate. Cheer the fuck up.)
Boots were quite keen that we buy all the stuff.
And then buy some more! And more! Never enough!
All crafted beautifully by the man that made Cats.
But with way less of James Corden, being a twat.
Waitrose went funny, with jokes about stuffing.
With mince pies and Heston and other great stuff in.
JD Sports made an ad that wasn’t for me.
I mean – it *literally* wasn’t. I’m nearly 43.
John Lewis went first, with a big Christmas splash.
And crossed Stranger Things with a big fuck-off crash.
As ever, surrounded by cool festive stunts,
And racists complaining about black actors being cast, like a right bunch of...
... come on, folks. It’s a family poem.
And yet, with the drinks, and the festive good cheer,
It’s worth calling out that it’s been a tough year.
The Great Resignation, the Great Talent Drain.
And other bad things using ‘Great’ in their name.
We have to get better: and this is our chance.
To show that diversity’s not just a stance.
And maybe next year let’s hold off on the party,
And not kick the Christmas ads off on Diwali.
So this is our chance to build back much better.
An industry for all of us, in old St Nick’s letter.
It’s time to put our folk first, and maybe get pissed less.
Show that ads are for life, and not just for Christmas.
So ‘work’ to be proud of, and work still to do.
A lengthy to-do list for me, and for you.
So this is Christmas present: a chance to put things right.
A Merry Christmas from me; and to all, a good night.
If you’re not a fan of Cullen-Shute’s poetry, you may feel differently about his regular column. Check it out here.