A bad marketer’s glossary for 2019
• “A” is for AI. Either over-egging artificial intelligence capabilities or doom-mongering about our new robot overlords.
An ABC glossary of marketing terminology
• “B” is for Blockchain. And pretending to know what it is.
• “C” is for Customers. They are the start point for everything, so probably deserve more than lip service than at least one library shot of a generic person in every presentation.
• “D” is for Digital. Because it has come a long way since those watches in the ‘80s.
• “E” is for Emotion. Because it’s easy to wax lyrical that choosing a detergent brand is a bit like your wedding day. Which probably has a Long Term brand benefit..
• “F” is for Facebook. And over-egging its role in the media mix.
• “G” is for Grime artists. And making it clear that you know who Skepta is without coming across like a meeting room dad at a disco.
• “H” is for HomePod. Because 100% of consumers have an iPhone and we all need a 24 / 7 activated assistant on standby because we are so busy (see T)
• “I” is for innovation. Wanging on about the concept, not the actual activity.
• “J” is for jobs. Forget about those in creative industries. The robots are coming (see A)
• “K” is for KPIs. Because people will probably be keeping a close eye on those. What with the forthcoming economic apocalypse and all that.
• “L” is for Learning. Always a good thing. But if you’re a bit short of time, just repeatedly mention brand purpose, whilst pretending to have read “The Long and Short of It”.
• “M” is for Millennials. Who are obviously all stuck in a space-time loop, doomed to an eternity of being self-entitled 20 year olds who are really good at using mobile phones.
• “N” is for nonsense. Acronyms, -isms or -ations.
• “O” is for Omni. Feel free to jump channel before continuing.
• “P” is for Purpose. Because consumers prefer supporting Patagonian basket weavers to price or value.
• “Q” is for quixotic. No idea what it means, but definitely worth peppering into the odd sentence to sound like you know more than everyone else.
• “R” is for ROI. (See K. Really. Someone will definitely be checking.)
• “S” is for shaving. Because beards will be about as cool as a mullet in 1996 by mid-June. Check social media if you disagree.
• “T” is for time. And loudly proclaiming how little of it there is. Busy is the new rock and roll.
• “U” is for Uber. Because it’s not good strategy unless it’s the “Uber of Something”.
• “V” is for Vegans. Because there’s loads of them now and they have voices too. With which not to buy bacon from Alexa.
• “W” is for the World. It’s on an environmental precipice. We could probably do something with that.
• “X” is for Gen X. Sorry, who?
• “Y” is for Young People. We all, like, totally get them.
• “Z” is for Z. As in the generation. You know, all topknots and over-earnestness.
• “1” is for the next generic generational label. Because presumably the human template resets annually, so it’ll be like when we ran out of letters for number plates.
Piers Newson-Smith is the head of brand planning at Direct Line Group