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A bad marketer’s glossary for 2019

An ABC glossary of marketing terminology

Ais for AI. Either over-egging artificial intelligence capabilities or doom-mongering about our new robot overlords.

B is for Blockchain. And pretending to know what it is.

“C” is for Customers. They are the start point for everything, so probably deserve more than lip service than at least one library shot of a generic person in every presentation.

D is for Digital. Because it has come a long way since those watches in the ‘80s.

E is for Emotion. Because it’s easy to wax lyrical that choosing a detergent brand is a bit like your wedding day. Which probably has a Long Term brand benefit..

F is for Facebook. And over-egging its role in the media mix.

G is for Grime artists. And making it clear that you know who Skepta is without coming across like a meeting room dad at a disco.

H is for HomePod. Because 100% of consumers have an iPhone and we all need a 24 / 7 activated assistant on standby because we are so busy (see T)

I is for innovation. Wanging on about the concept, not the actual activity.

J is for jobs. Forget about those in creative industries. The robots are coming (see A)

K is for KPIs. Because people will probably be keeping a close eye on those. What with the forthcoming economic apocalypse and all that.

L is for Learning. Always a good thing. But if you’re a bit short of time, just repeatedly mention brand purpose, whilst pretending to have read “The Long and Short of It”.

M is for Millennials. Who are obviously all stuck in a space-time loop, doomed to an eternity of being self-entitled 20 year olds who are really good at using mobile phones.

N is for nonsense. Acronyms, -isms or -ations.

O is for Omni. Feel free to jump channel before continuing.

P is for Purpose. Because consumers prefer supporting Patagonian basket weavers to price or value.

Q is for quixotic. No idea what it means, but definitely worth peppering into the odd sentence to sound like you know more than everyone else.

R is for ROI. (See K. Really. Someone will definitely be checking.)

S is for shaving. Because beards will be about as cool as a mullet in 1996 by mid-June. Check social media if you disagree.

T is for time. And loudly proclaiming how little of it there is. Busy is the new rock and roll.

U is for Uber. Because it’s not good strategy unless it’s the “Uber of Something”.

V is for Vegans. Because there’s loads of them now and they have voices too. With which not to buy bacon from Alexa.

W is for the World. It’s on an environmental precipice. We could probably do something with that.

X is for Gen X. Sorry, who?

Yis for Young People. We all, like, totally get them.

Z is for Z. As in the generation. You know, all topknots and over-earnestness.

1 is for the next generic generational label. Because presumably the human template resets annually, so it’ll be like when we ran out of letters for number plates.

Piers Newson-Smith is the head of brand planning at Direct Line Group

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