A bad marketer’s glossary for 2019

• “C” is for Customers. They are the start point for everything, so probably deserve more than lip service than at least one library shot of a generic person in every presentation.

• “D” is for Digital. Because it has come a long way since those watches in the ‘80s.

• “E” is for Emotion. Because it’s easy to wax lyrical that choosing a detergent brand is a bit like your wedding day. Which probably has a Long Term brand benefit..

• “F” is for Facebook. And over-egging its role in the media mix.

• “G” is for Grime artists. And making it clear that you know who Skepta is without coming across like a meeting room dad at a disco.

• “H” is for HomePod. Because 100% of consumers have an iPhone and we all need a 24 / 7 activated assistant on standby because we are so busy (see T)

• “I” is for innovation. Wanging on about the concept, not the actual activity.

• “J” is for jobs. Forget about those in creative industries. The robots are coming (see A)

• “K” is for KPIs. Because people will probably be keeping a close eye on those. What with the forthcoming economic apocalypse and all that.

• “L” is for Learning. Always a good thing. But if you’re a bit short of time, just repeatedly mention brand purpose, whilst pretending to have read “The Long and Short of It”.

• “M” is for Millennials. Who are obviously all stuck in a space-time loop, doomed to an eternity of being self-entitled 20 year olds who are really good at using mobile phones.

• “N” is for nonsense. Acronyms, -isms or -ations.

• “O” is for Omni. Feel free to jump channel before continuing.

• “P” is for Purpose. Because consumers prefer supporting Patagonian basket weavers to price or value.

• “Q” is for quixotic. No idea what it means, but definitely worth peppering into the odd sentence to sound like you know more than everyone else.

• “R” is for ROI. (See K. Really. Someone will definitely be checking.)

• “S” is for shaving. Because beards will be about as cool as a mullet in 1996 by mid-June. Check social media if you disagree.

• “T” is for time. And loudly proclaiming how little of it there is. Busy is the new rock and roll.

• “U” is for Uber. Because it’s not good strategy unless it’s the “Uber of Something”.

• “V” is for Vegans. Because there’s loads of them now and they have voices too. With which not to buy bacon from Alexa.

• “W” is for the World. It’s on an environmental precipice. We could probably do something with that.

• “X” is for Gen X. Sorry, who?

• “Y” is for Young People. We all, like, totally get them.

• “Z” is for Z. As in the generation. You know, all topknots and over-earnestness.

• “1” is for the next generic generational label. Because presumably the human template resets annually, so it’ll be like when we ran out of letters for number plates.

Piers Newson-Smith is the head of brand planning at Direct Line Group