His Nibs: Whole Foods letter is full of holes

In the lead-up to the upmarket food store’s grand opening on Wednesday, November 16 there must have been at least 10,000 words written about the Texas firm’s first foray into Scotland.

The hype was so big even The Scotsman, with the majority of its readers living 50 miles from the premises, managed a page lead.

It’s strange then that Whole Foods themselves struggled to get their act together with their own written material.

This is the transcript of a letter sent to those who’d applied for a job at the new shop.

Dear Applicant

Thank you for attending the Whole Foods Market recruitment day and for your interest in a position at the new Giffnock store. We would also like to thanks you for your patience today in having to wait to speak to one of our recruiters, as we have seen such a huge turnout.

Due to the large number of applicants we will be speaking to over the 4 day of the recruitment events it will be impossible for us to contact every single candidate, so we will only be able to speak directly to this individuals we make job offers to. If you do not hear from us within 28 days, please assume that on this occasion your application has been unsuccessful, as we are seeing a very high calibre of experience. All CVs will be keep on file for 60 days, at which point you are welcome to reply for any vacant position at ether Team Member or Leadership level that you will find advertised on our UK careers pages.

Staying on the subject of writing, a curious article in The Sunday Times recently caught my attention.

Under the strap line “Parent Power” the headline read “Your guide to the top schools in Britain”.

Surrounded by statistics about exam success Sue Leonard wrote about Hutchesons’ Grammar School in Glasgow winning the Sunday Times Independent School of the Year Award for Scotland.

In her fulsome praise for Hutchie, as it is known throughout the land, she gushed: “Nearly 80 per cent of all Highers and Advanced Highers students last summer earned either A or B grades.” Sue neglected to mention that five other Scottish schools actually produced better results than Hutchie’s 79.9 %. These were St Mary’s Music School (87.3%); The Edinburgh Rudolf Steiner School (84%); The High School of Glasgow (83.8%); George Heriot’s School Edinburgh (82.4%) and Dollar Academy (80.1%).

She continued: “This is a high-quality education for the masses and not just the privileged few.”

I’m sure the masses who thought that by forking out £3,236 per term they’d get an exclusive educational experience for their children will be delighted to hear that.

In the Scottish league tables Hutchie were ranked only sixth. Are the top five wondering why they were left out? I would be if I were them!