Five media relations tips for Princess Catherine following the Royal Wedding

Dear Catherine,

1. David Starkey is an excellent historian, yet a dubious public speaker. In the same way he should stick to history and avoid public appearances, you should seek to dazzle in public yet avoid historical references. Most notably at fancy dress parties, where one should be advised to think Snow White rather than the Hitler Youth.

2. You will now be one of the world's most famous women. Yet you need more than that, you need to capture the hearts of the people. For this, you need to adopt a charity. Stay away from land mines (it's been done) and avoid Aids. That's good general advice, by the way. I would recommend considering the Injured Bankers' Benevolence Fund, as this is truly close to the public imagination.

3. Holidays are never easy. Cameron has already nabbed Cornwall and the North Pole, Australians are pesky as they are trying to rid themselves of your grandmother in-law. What about Greece? You'd be surprised how far the pound travels there.

4. You have grown up an educated and well mannered young woman. As the Royal Press Officer, I urge this to stop. Instead, one must adopt a policy of inappropriate comments that can arguably affect controversial planning applications or offend dinner party guests. We British have a reputation to keep up and we can not afford to let that small chap from France upstage us.

5. I know it's early days, but you must start thinking about children. It's not like you have a career now, anyway. Ideally, we require a boy first then a girl. Natural births are good, but unreliable. And do start thinking of names, the public love a good name. German is preferable but unpopular. Perhaps we should think modern to appeal to the people from Essex? I've got it - Joey Essex Windsor? Now that, your Royal Highness, sounds truly 'reem'.

Jon Welsh, account director, Euro RSCG PR (who didn't attend a street party....).