The Drum Awards for Marketing - Extended Deadline

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Carl Hopkins

Agency Agony Uncle

By The Drum, Administrator

January 5, 2009 | 8 min read

Irritable vowel syndrome

Dear Uncle Carl,

What do you think this New Year will hold for us in the marketing services industry? What should my New Year resolutions be? Start my own agency? Find a new job? Or sit tight?

If you have had a dull, nervous or shit 2008 and you do nothing different in 2009 then guess what? Nothing different will happen! You don’t need to be Nostradamus to know that a lot of agencies will struggle and disappear in the New Year. I think there will be a lot of ‘right sizing’ as agencies realise they are out of shape. There will also be agency owners getting the agencies back to a size or shape they feel they can manage and they will probably roll their sleeves up and get involved again.

So, to your question as to whether you should you sit tight? Why not? You can hope that your agency, role, income and mortgage are safe but be prepared, as you are not in control of your destiny and that can be scary. You can jump ship – your employer might breathe a sigh of relief as it could save others their jobs. Then you are alone to plough your own furrow. The downturn in the sector may indeed provide a host of opportunities for the lone trader, the smaller agencies who can survive on the ever reducing budgets, who are willing to go the extra mile, who can turn the job around at double quick time, none of which are great models to build a long term successful business but it could give you a hell of a ride.

Dear Uncle Carl,

One of my copywrighting colleagues has a habit of disappearing to the loo for what seems like hours on end. In fact, his trips are averaging at over 40 minutes a pop (or plop!). He will do this every day, no matter how busy we are. Usually twice. And never at his lunch break. Should I report him to management.

First thing, you are a bit odd timing people’s trips to the loo. Or is this a time and bowel-motion study? If he is a ‘mate’ then why not ask him? Do it in the style of a concerned chum, ‘look you’re not George Michael but people are starting to talk about your cubicle sabbaticals and that you seem in no rush to flush!’ Failing that if it really is affecting your performance then tell HR as there may indeed be a problem but bear in mind it could just be IBS or a severe bout of constipation. As for not doing his jobbie-wrestling at lunch time – he would not be the first person to only answer the call of nature on company time. If your cubicle-loving colleague is spending so much time on the pot then it’s equivalent to a day per week; that’s quite impressive, disturbing, but impressive. I had a member of staff who used to engage in similar long term toilet trips to smoke (pot); I know my staff headed to the cubicles to text or call the recruitment agencies; I had one who disappeared to nap and another who used to drink vodka – we only found out as the cleaners were tired of clearing away the empty bottles. There are many sordid and occasionally serious reasons why people duck out of work for unusual lengths of time, so handle with care and don’t forget to wash your hands.

Dear Uncle Carl,

I’ve been a copywriter for years but I feel like I’m getting too old for this. The studio is full of young wankers with daft haircuts and even dafter ideas. Assure me, Carl, that a trendy fringe, acne and a hip MP3 collection are no match for experience and wisdom.

Welcome to my world, pull up a comfy chair, a blanket for your knees and let’s reminisce. First, you need to either get a sense of humour or get the fuck out of the industry. I’m afraid if you are the wrong side of 40 then you are a granddad. Personally, I love the tousle-haired young scally wags, their confidence, bad skin and soon to be crushed aspirations – bless ‘em. Remember you once thought you were ‘trendy’. Also you too once had a ‘daft haircut’ – though they would not say ‘cut’, they would say ‘styled’ and you too were (and maybe still are) a ‘wanker’ and who is to say their ideas are ‘stupid?

Actually, I cannot welcome you to my world as you have made your own bitter and twisted world, one in which you obviously didn’t achieve what you hoped, you did not turn out to be the next Ogilvy or Bird so you resent the next generation. Is it true that youth is wasted on the young? – I believe you think so. So I say to you my grey-haired, toothless, piss-smelling, old friend as you did not obviously become the agency owner who sold before his expiry date became painfully obvious to all around him, and you never got to write the great novel which you felt you had in you but everyone else knows you don’t then there are only two choices ahead for you, you have to go ‘freelance’ or become a teacher – I wish you well, I said I WISH YOU WELL! oh never mind deaf old sod.

Dear Uncle Carl,

One of our competitor agencies made a big song and dance about re-branding itself. They now have a new logo, flash website and a pretentious slogan – but they still employ the same staff who‘ve been churning out crap for years. Do clients fall for this?

Yes, I’m afraid they do fall for it, they are simply consumers after all and as consumers we all fall for it in some way. Their image is the ‘sizzle’ around their ‘sausage’ of an offering. As you said they haven’t really changed their offering, their staff, their clients, their philosophy, their location, their ethos – well not to your knowledge anyway and perhaps not yet. They may have simply re-packaged, so you have to ask yourself why? Are they trying to escape some old, less sexy or more negative image? Are they attempting to move into a different sector or specialism? Are they distancing themselves from past mistakes, misdemeanors even past staff or management? They must have decided there was no value in their existing brand and that it no longer suited their current offering. Also why wouldn’t they make a song and dance about it? You would, I would! But don’t worry your empty little head about it, all it says is they don’t have any actual ‘news’ to talk about, no client wins, no awards, no new staff; in fact, it could be a smoke and mirrors way of hiding a ‘down-sizing’ or recognition of a loss of core competencies. I have seen re-brands when companies are running away from outstanding debts, I have seen re-brands when a business has been acquired but doesn’t want the outside world to think it was anything other than an merger of equals. The reasons can be many. All I do know is that there is a very good chance the reason they have re-branded is simply because they have a new creative team in place – every fucking year I was approached by the latest X-box playing, magic marker sniffing, scruffy, sod lightweight ‘same-difference’ creative team saying I ‘needed’ a new brand for the agency– as if they had half a fkg clue about brand value and how to build a brand in the first place – my guess is your competitors may just have such a new annoying team on board.

Are you troubled? send all your questions for the drum’s agony uncle to dear.carl@carnyx.com Or, If you wish to meet with carl to talk about your business, then simply email him on ch@kloog.ch

Carl Hopkins

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