The Drum Awards for Marketing - Extended Deadline

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Agency Agony Uncle

By The Drum, Administrator

September 19, 2008 | 7 min read

Straight-talking and opinionated he may be, but Uncle Carl’s advice comes from the frontline of a business that he has made his millions in. So, without ado, bolt down the pool table, reassure your friends and hide the agency credit card.

Made a rod for your own back there, my friend. Next it will be TVs on the wall that are on all day as ‘we need to be in touch with today’s media’ while watching day time TV – my arse. It’s strange how some staff (often creatives) complain they are treated like children and then want to be surrounded by fucking toys! I have never come across any proven correlation between the time spent playing PacMan and the amount of creative awards on the wall. I somehow get the feeling that David Ogilvy didn’t come up with the Hathaway Man while playing sodding ping-pong, I didn’t read of Trevor Beattie having a FCUKing eureka moment while going for a personal best high score on Tomb Raider.

Your creatives would create stronger creative solutions if they spent ten minutes with a potential customer rather than an hour on Super Mario (are all my game references a bit 90s...80s even?) Hide the darts, snap the cues, lose the footballs and unplug the Wii, donate it all to a real Youth Club, then see what happens – I dare you.

Dear Uncle Carl,

My partner (copywriter – I’m the art director) has been badgering me to spread our wings. He wants to look into working abroad (US, Amsterdam, Dubai) where the money is – or so he thinks... But I’m quite happy where I am. What should I do? Do I call time on our relationship of six years? Do I feign excitement and hope the move doesn’t come off? Or should I consider packing my bags and giving it a bash? I’m not sure if I want to be partner-less in such difficult times.

I like the image of badgers spreading their wings. He is your creative partner, not your life partner. It’s obvious to a blind badger that you really do not want to go, so stop pretending to be in two minds.

What you are actually concerned with are your own abilities to 1) keep producing the work on your own 2) to find a new partner.

It’s a bit like a divorce. He is leaving you for a younger and richer opportunity and for the first time in six years you are single again! You don’t know where to go to meet new partners and if you (your work) will be attractive enough to ‘pull’. It’s scary but you are not alone and there are other singletons looking for partners and yes, the market may be ‘difficult’ but real talent will survive – do you have the talent?

Looks like it’s time to get your best gear on, your book under your arm and get out there and start kissing a few frogs until you will find your new prince. And bear in mind your ‘ex’ may be back with his tail between his legs when he has smoked enough pot to addle his brain or missed alcohol so much he is forced gasping back into the arms of his one true love... that’s you. Bless you both.

Dear Uncle Carl,

I had an argument in the pub the other evening with a friend (he’s a lawyer, by the way), on the ethics of marketing (ironic, I know)... I wondered where you stood with this. He argued that, in its simplest form, marketing is simply telling lies! I said ‘that’s sweet coming from a lawyer’... But, does he have a point? Can you work in marketing and have a conscience?

Well, to start with I don’t believe for a moment that ‘marketing is simply telling lies’ – there’s nothing fucking simple about it!

Of course we do not ‘tell lies’; that would work just once and then customers, who are not stupid, would stop using our products and services – so we cannot simply lie. We may, however, have to exaggerate the benefits of using various products or services. In fact we may have to start attaching unprovable attributes to products – is Coke really ‘the real thing? At McDonalds are we ‘lovin’ it’?

We are surrounded by legislations, watchdogs, consumer bodies and trade association best practice and it is easier than ever for consumers to complain and have campaigns pulled if they are seen to be ‘unbelievable’.

We have to work hard, sometimes in the face of totally uninspiring products and services, to dig out a USP, to build on a point of differentiation in order to capture the interest and desire of our audience and, in these cases, it can seem as though we were ‘lying’.

I’m afraid most consumers are smarter than the average lawyer and realise when a marketing message may simply be pushing the boundaries of realistic expectation. As for having a conscience, it’s down to individual and the agencies to decide who they would want to work for. Personally, I wouldn’t want to market the messages of ‘ambulance chasers’, cigarette companies, alcohol aimed obviously at underage drinkers or tedious no-name lawyers. So send this answer to your mate, a bloke who is over-educated, overpaid and takes money from vulnerable people to argue for a living while destroying other people’s lives. Then get yourself some new friends to go to the pub with.

Dear Uncle Carl,

I think the staff might be taking liberties with their expense accounts. Long lunches, unnecessary taxis and expensive wines... Should I stop this? Or when we are entertaining clients do we need to be flash? How much is too much?

I always worried when I saw the expenses against client entertaining declining. Why? Because I thought if we are not entertaining them then some other scheming tin-pot agency might be! So I think a healthy client entertaining budget is not a bad thing, but it doesn’t have to include an extravagant lifestyle option for your staff. The idea is that it’s an investment in client retention and growth so like any investment you want to see a good return.

I would happily treat clients to a fabulous meal in some swanky eatery but I would not let my staff travel first class there and back – this would be made clear in their staff handbook. I would ‘encourage’ them to get back to the office on the same day as opposed to staying overnight in a hotel. If hotels were to be used, there would be room sharing if possible and limits to the cost of the hotels.

Take that responsibility from them and give it to the receptionist or your office manager to do, even better someone in accounts who will probably resent all other staff who are on expenses.

It’s not about stopping expenses, it’s about controlling and limiting. Centralise the expenses and you will control them. Also look at travel and arranging meetings outside of rush hour times – this can all have a positive impact on reducing your expenses.

are you troubled? Don’t be. send all your questions for the drum’s agony uncle to dear.carl@carnyx.com Or, If you wish to meet with carl to talk about your business, then simply email him on ch@kloog.ch

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