Arnold for office

By The Drum, Administrator

September 25, 2003 | 4 min read

Arnold Schwarzenegger may have a body that looks like it’s been hewn from granite and acting skills that have quite a lot in common with the finest teak, but so far in his life he’s definitely displayed a touch that is pure gold. However, with his latest bid to become Governor of California (a move that, through the eyes of UK observers, seems about as reasonable as Bernard Manning becoming Minister for Race Relations) he looks like he may be stretching those Midas mitts of his to the very limit.

Currently having a hard time of it in the polls, Arnie’s campaign has been dealt a further blow by the (under appeal) decision to move the election back from October to March, detracting from his short, sharp, personality-focused campaign. This gives the opposition more time to co-ordinate their own activities, whilst picking holes in Arnold’s policies of mandatory iron pumping and promoting the exclusive use of one-syllable words throughout the state’s educational system.

According to the US press, everyone’s favourite former Mr Universe has also come under fire from women’s groups, which have protested about his track record of womanising – with specific reference to a 1977 interview in the French magazine Oui. In the feature, he apparently talked about group sex sessions at his gym and receiving “oral pleasure” whilst at a body building contest.

Going on Oprah Winfrey’s chat show to defend himself, alongside his wife of seventeen years, Maria Shriver, Mr S. said he didn’t remember the interview taking place but added, to the early evening female audience, that he did used to say a lot of things like “a pump is better than coming”. At which point Shriver put her hand over Arnie’s mouth to make sure his other foot didn’t follow the first one straight in.

In an effort to give the big hulk, and no doubt future president, a much needed helping hand, Adline thought it might be a good idea to enlist a coterie of our finest creative chums to come up with some campaign ideas to ensure his successful election. Each firm had a free brief to play with, but only a week or so to turn their ideas around, so we’d like to thank them for taking the time to help Arnie build a brighter tomorrow for the people of California.

Seeing as the state is the world’s fifth largest economy, with a gross state product of 1.3 trillion dollars, we’re sure they’ll all be handsomely paid when he takes office. And with creativity like this he’s sure to say “I\'ll be back” next time he needs some advertising...

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

DELIVERS A TESTIMONIAL FOR ARNIE

G. DUBYA:My feller Merrikuns. The great state of

California is beset by prollums.

Asteroidal collusions threaten their freeways

and pools...

The economy is stagnificating and violence is

endemic and also everywhere...

And less than 3% of Los Angeles school

children can recite weekend box office

receipts.

Only a Governator with vision can save

California, ...and Arnold Schwarzeniggra has

a two-part program.

MUSIC: STIRRING PATRIOTIC MUSIC BEGINS UNDER

First, for the children of California, Arnie will

cut violence in half, by means of a laser-

guided chain gun sweeping across the

charred landscape.

No other Austrian ex-Mr Universe candidate

has this enlightened approach.

But this is not all. Arnold will reshape

California’s future by going back in time and

preventing the birth of other candidates.

The mission is ardorous, and only a

Governator who feels no pity, no pain, no fear,

and with massive pectorals can succeed. But

with the aid of God and post-production,

Arnold Schwaniger will rise to the task. I will

turn to him for the terminal word

ARNIE:Vote for me if you vant to live.

ANNCR: Paid for by the Committee to Elect

Linguistically Challenged Former Bodybuilders.

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