Writing bland copy is like punching a duckling
I recently went to a restaurant that served me food so bland it felt like they had stuffed it with dead moths and smashed lightbulbs. Needless to say I killed them all and am currently in the process of feeding their pets to furious baboons.
Bland is the worst thing you can do to my eyes, mouth or face in general. This is true of food, this is true of Alan Rickman films and this is especially true of copywriting. To produce an uninspiring piece of copy is as cruel as gluing pound coins to your knuckles and battering a tiny animal. Well, it isn’t but you see my point.
If I was asked to give one function to copywriting above all others I would say it was to engage. Yes engage is an especially wanky marketing word but it’s the only thing that really encapsulates interest, enlightenment, entertainment and intrigue.
Everything else, for me, can go out of the window. Which is handy because I’ve never particularly understood what a semi-colon does.
I read a lot of copy. Partly through a professional curiosity but mostly because I just love the form. Unlike any other kind of writing there is a lingering desperation behind the purpose of any piece of copywriting, and I am always intrigued to see how cleverly this commercial intent is disguised.
And as I consume all of this copy I am all too often left with the sudden realisation that I stopped reading about 90 seconds ago and am now thinking about what kind of cheese toasty Alan Rickman likes. And bear in mind that I am consciously and deliberately reading this copy through. The audience we’re trying to sell to does not display anywhere near these engagement levels so I can only imagine how quickly they switch off.
I think the blander copy tends to find its way into the deeper, more distant levels of the message. It may be grossly oversimplifying it but it seems like the heart, soul and imagination has gone into the gateway copy and then momentum has been taken away. I do know of more than a few examples where businesses get copywriters to produce headlines and call to actions and then simply fill in the body themselves. This is like getting a heart surgeon to open and close you up but then letting any old mug tamper with your left ventricle.
It feels a little redundant to even be pointing this out, but I fail to see the logic in creating copy that is exciting enough to draw someone in only to then bore them. To engage anyone through copy is a monumental task, but to do so and then actively disengage them through losing creative momentum is ludicrous. If this is done by you copywriter (or more likely the person who does your copy – two very different things) you need to feed them to the baboons.
Someone once told me that copywriting is a matter of trust. Reading is firstly a pleasure activity and we must respect that purpose in how we write. We must persuade our audience to trust that what they are reading will benefit them, whether that’s through entertainment or information. To establish the foothold of that trust and then disappoint is like offering a high five to our audience and then at the last second chopping them in the neck.
An infallible test is to read your copy out loud in Alan Rickman’s voice. If it still sounds bland then bin it. For if the Rick-Man can’t bring it to life, you’ve written some bad copy buddy.
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Andrew Boulton is a copywriter at Together Agency. Please tell him; how to use a semi colon.