Uncle Carl: Shudupayaface

My 16-year-old son recently did work experience with the agency I own and he went out with some creatives and got drunk. A few members of the team are gossiping, saying I should take action against the lads who supplied him the alcohol. I don’t want to lose staff over this, but still want to be respected.

You are a bad dad – I have called the social services!

First, you are an idiot for letting your under age child go out with ‘creatives’ - fuck me, what did you think they would do with him, take him to the local art gallery? I cannot believe it’s the first time your son has been drunk so I will leave the parenting to you. As for your staff gossiping, again that’s not important, it’s up to you how you choose to react to the situation. Personally, I would drag the creatives into my office and over the coals – the fact it was my son would be irrelevant – every 16 year old is someone’s son or daughter. What your boozy-beattie did was wrong – in fact, illegal – and therefore you should put your own disciplinary procedures in place. And, by the way, I bet your wife was ‘understanding’ of you letting her baby into your den of vice and iniquity – big Christmas present for her I think... HUGE in fact.

Dear Uncle Carl,

I always take my staff for a Christmas night out and spend quite a bit on showing them a good time. But this year I just can’t afford to take them anywhere, but I am worried that not throwing the usual Christmas bash will make it look like the business is in trouble. Should I throw caution to the wind and do the Christmas party?

Yes you should. Fuck it. You made it through 2008, others didn’t and who is to say you will get through 2009? You should celebrate the fact. Maybe though you need to be creative about it, share an event with a supplier? Reduce costs by having it in your office. Buy the booze in as opposed to paying bar prices. Have it in your own home.

Sometimes inviting partners may double the head count but reduce the alcohol consumption as your staff have to behave in front of their other halves. Give a fixed budget to a ‘social team’ within your agency and test the theory that creatives can actually organize a piss up in a brewery!

Dear Uncle Carl,

I want to buy the agency I work at and think I could probably raise the money if another couple of staff came in with me. I have spoken to the owner and he is open to the idea of selling but only at the right price. How can I get him to see the price I want to pay as the right price for him?

You probably won’t. Money is a very emotional issue and almost as soon as you agree to a certain amount your boss may think ‘that was a bit too easy, perhaps he has more to give’ and whatever he gets, he will at some point feel he didn’t get enough.

It’s great you’ve found a couple of would-be-partners and that you have opened up a discussion but now you need to follow through because if it doesn’t come off, can you and your buddies really stick around and carry on as though nothing happened? And will your boss then sit in his office thinking ‘that deal didn’t work so these guys are now probably planning their own break-away, I will get rid of them’? No of course none of that will happen!

But you have picked an interesting economic time for an MBO. Will your boss see the financial returns he really wants having built his business in good times and being paid off in a recession? Will you and your buddies actually be able to raise the cash from the banks or VC? Also do you have the support of the rest of your teams, your suppliers and more importantly, your clients?

My advice is to make the deal not just about cash, think about the timing of his exit, will he exit immediately but with less cash, or are you offering a slower exit over time with more cash? All of this could be crucial to your client and staff retention as well as your cash flow. Consider him sticking around to have a chance to earn more if he helps you achieve or beat your targets? Will it be a total buy-out or will you let him have some remaining equity for a future, even higher, leveraged trade sale? And finally how are you working out the actual value of the business and its abilities to maintain its current profits? I advise you get a third party to help you value the business and get a good team to work with you through the process. It is not as easy as you think and at some point it will become something of a ‘turf war’ but stay focused on the end game, and be prepared to take a few hits and lose a couple of battles (is that enough clichés?), and always believe in your team’s abilities to take the business to greater heights – the very best of luck.

Dear Uncle Carl,

What should I do when in meetings I think I make a valid point, but my boss thinks otherwise. I know you’ll say that I’m not experienced or wise enough to have an opinion of my own, but there are some things I think he gets wrong when I know I’m right. There must be some words you could empart on a lowly account director that would help make him listen without me seeming a right tit?

First of all young lady, because I feel you are a lady, the word is ‘impart’ not ‘empart’ so perhaps you should keep your mouth shut as you might come across as a bit of a ‘tit’? And of course you can have an opinion, after all they are like arseholes – everyone has one, but it doesn’t mean anyone has to listen to yours. Maybe it’s not what you are saying, maybe it’s the way you are saying it? Also, my guess is you are offering an opinion when one has not been asked for, so once again why would anyone listen? And your phrase ‘I THINK he gets it wrong when I KNOW I am right’ tells me you are probably one of those pain in the arse people who don’t actually listen to what others are saying as you are simply waiting for the other person’s mouth to shut so you can offer your ‘opinion’. It’s your boss’s job to make decisions and sometimes they will be wrong but not all the time, and if he wants your opinion, he will ask for it.

Dear Uncle Carl,

I wondered what you were hoping to get from Santa this year. I know this isn’t the usual type of question, but it’s always nice to be asked.

Awww, aren’t you sweet – I feel sick. You should know that your Uncle Carl has everything he needs for his simple, quiet, little life. And I know that the true spirit of Christmas is to think of others so all I wish for is that the obese, coke-swilling, pie-munching, reindeer-fondling, white-haired, fictional old fart brings you and all of my lovely Drum flock everything your greedy envious black stone-like hearts could desire.

Are you troubled? Don’t be. send all your questions for the drum’s agony uncle to dear.carl@carnyx.com Or, If you wish to meet with carl to talk about your business, then simply email him on ch@kloog.ch